Having things put into Perspective!

I have been having so many deep thoughts the last few days and I cant get them off my mind, so I thought I would write them down were all can see! My sister Amy has helped me put things into perspective. First off I want to say that I love my Mom and Dad!

I have tried to break the cycle of negative thoughts I am a true believer of what you think is what will happen and if you have negative thoughts you will have a negative out come! As most of you know I grew up in a negative environment, not that I was abused or anything, but the atmosphere was not the best! I have had bitter feeling about this my whole life and I want to stop feeling this way. I remember when I first discovered that my mom was an alcoholic and not just the weird/funny mom that everyone thought. I was 13 and I became very angry with my mom. I was embarrassed and grew very distant from her! Growing up my mom would drink every single day and this wasn't just a drink it was until she could not function any more.
I never new how to deal with it and so I ignored it as best as I could and now that I am older and I have children I feel sad that I cant take my kids to see her because her house smells so bad of cigarettes and I would never trust her to babysit my kids. I would give anything to have a normal relationship with her and be able to visit her, call her on the phone after 5:00 with out wondering how drunk she will be. It makes me mad at my mom for the choices she makes every day to drink her alcohol and smoke even when the Dr. has told her she is dying because of it. They have told her that her organs are hardening and it is only a matter of time before it takes her life and not even this has made her stop with her addictions. Growing up with this was very hard also because I didn't have the other parent there to help us get through it my dad is an AMAZING man, but he was never home. I now realize that it was hard for him to face reality and was easier to be gone all the time. I was taught to be angry at life and that nothing was good enough, these thought have brought nothing but trial into my life and I have decided to STOP! I want to tell my parents I love them and I am not going to hold this anger anymore. I am grateful for all that they have done for me. I am also grateful for the relationship I have with my sisters, They are my BEST friends and I would never been able to get through all the hard times with out them!